I think first of all that I'm more bi-gender than purely transgender.  I enjoy both genders, and I miss the one I'm not.  And it's been like that for as long as I've been able to peel away the layers and get to it.  So most of my life, I denied it.  I just kept it buried.  One of the things that's been frustrating for my wife is it's come out by one struggling inch after another.  I, like many of my generation, buried it so deep and wrapped it in subterfuge. 

My wife’s been very supportive, and that helps immensely.  I mean there are not very many wives that stay with male-to-female transgender people who come out, and yet she's encouraged me to investigate who I am and what I am.  And even going back years when I first came out to her, neither of us really knew where I was, what I was.  It could have been the end of our marriage. 

The other thing, as I've thought about transitioning over all the years, is I've come to realize that really what I want isn't – it's not female plumbing.  It's not even necessarily a female body.  It is an opportunity to just express who I am at any given time.  After I came out to my wife, I did a lot more exploration, and truthfully, it's still going on…I have a pretty good idea that I am never gonna transition.  That was when I also realized that I didn't hate being masculine.  The only sense of deprivation I felt was that I couldn't also be feminine.  And it was around that time I started going to functions in Chicago that involved younger trans people, and they were using "genderqueer" as an expression.  I'm probably more genderqueer than I am one or the other.

Looking toward the future, I think about our grandchildren, and I wonder where they'll be in four or five years, and I hope that I can be here to be a part of that.  And I hope that we can stay healthy, and I hope that when my time comes, it's like – I remember seeing a 60 Minutes profile many years ago of this aging baseball team in Florida where the guy playing first base was like 90 years old, and they interview him, and he was talking about the guy he replaced who was in his 90s when he reached out to grab a throw and before the ball got there he died.  I said, "Boy, what a great way to go."